34
I have been hurt by someone. Someone who I was close to and I trusted. Since then, I've found it so hard to forgive. I feel cheated because I loved so much and the poor little pathetic heart I let myself give away was seemingly thrown aside. I keep pestering God and asking, "Why?! Why would you let this happen to me?" I pretended to ask for the grace to forgive, but it ended up me trying to figure out a way to "work with" God to hurt them back. Because God is always planning revenge...not. I kept smothering that rejected love and smashing it into a trunk in the deepest, darkest corner of my heart so I could forget about it. A few weeks ago, in my adoration hour, I was kneeling and having the same conversation with God that I always do: "Pleasegivemethegracetoforgiveandshowmewhattodowithmylifeandtakethispainawayfromme.Amen." And then as I opened my eyes and looked up at the arms of Christ stretched out on the cross, I suddenly knew what He was trying to tell me. "I want to love you so very, very much. I wait here for you to come running to my arms for comfort. But you have to let yourself be loved. You cannot come with hatred or anger." I know that I cannot forgive a deeply rooted grievance over night. But, being in Europe has opened my eyes to so many beautiful things about this world and given me appreciation for my life. I never thought I would miss my family so much in my life, or hearing about the little things that go on in their daily lives. I think the greatest spiritual challenge this semester has definitely been that forgiveness that needs to be bestowed. Even if it isn't asked for, my spiritual life will be more fruitful from that forgiveness. I want to come home a better, stronger, more loving, confident person. I want to show that I've made something of myself, or that I can do something with my life. I want to be changed from a lowly, little caterpillar into a beautiful butterfly.
35
36
37
38